I’ve got a secret and I just can’t keep it any longer. Actually, we (my husband and I) have a secret.
It has always been our desire to have a family. We have both felt that it is our calling to raise children. We have struggled through a high risk pregnancy, months on bedrest, and the loss of our baby. We also have struggled through infertility and specialists and all of the uncomfortable examinations, tests, medications, side effects, and emotional upheaval that come along with that. Last summer we took a step back from all of it. I stopped seeing the specialist. I stopped the medications. I stopped the tests. The avenue we were going down could only end with in vitro fertilization. I had been reading the story of Abraham and Sarah in my Bible. They wanted a child and God had promised them a child. But they could not wait for God’s timing and God’s plan. Instead, Sarah took matters into her own hands and suggested her maid Hagar as a surrogate mother. Sarah wanted a child so bad that she decided to make it happen instead of waiting for God’s perfect plan. At this point in my quest to have a child, aside from all of the moral and ethical problems I have with in vitro fertilization, I could not continue to pursue this sort of treatment. It would be my equivalent of trying to make it happen for us, rather than trusting God. We took a break, relaxed, and left the matter in God’s hands.
During that time, which included the one year anniversary of losing our baby as well as the anniversary of my due date, I struggled. I had horrible dreams wherein I was reliving the emotional agony of losing my child. They were so vivid and real that my distress even woke my husband, who in turn woke me. We talked of adoption, but had the problem of feeling like it would be “settling” to not have biological children. We had the normal fears and concerns of not having our “own” children. We prayed and left our family plans in God’s charge.
It is amazing what God can do. I have had a total change of heart regarding the “settling” issue. After much prayer and discussion, we have decided to adopt. We are adopting a little girl from China!!!! I am so excited that I can hardly contain myself. I feel as if I am just going to burst! It is the same feeling I had when I found out I was pregnant, only – if you can belive this – I am actually more excited! It is also so easy to feel peace and trust that God has chosen our daughter for us already and is in charge of this whole process. It will be a long journey, about 18 months to 2 years, before we bring her home, but that is okay. She will be about a year old when she comes home and we pray for her even now, though she has not yet been born. I know there are a lot of obstacles ahead in our journey (expenses, mountains of paperwork, the homestudy, and things we have not yet forseen) but we know that we can depend on God and He will help us through it one step at a time. All of the obstacles will strengthen our trust in God, build our character, prepare us further for parenthood, and make the union with our daughter that much sweeter.
Because I want to be able to look back at our journey through this process, I do plan to chronicle our adoption adventure on this blog, complete with all of the ups and downs we encounter along the way. I have enjoyed reading the blogs of others who have adopted from China before me and their stories have helped me to know both what to expect and also to anticipate how rewarding it all will be in the end.
So now you know our secret.